An Uncanny Christmas
by The Uncanny R-Man
Summary: A few festive ficlets set in the URMVerse. Merry Christmas y'all!
1. Personally, I'm a Breast Man

**An Uncanny Christmas**

**Chapter 1: Personally, I'm a Breast Man**

**By**

**The Unanny R-Man**

_**Disclaimer- **I don't own anything, all familiar characters belong to Marvel._

_**Notes- **This fic doesn't really fit into any of the storylines of the URM-Verse; it's just a little bit of festive fun._

**Heathrow Airport; England, two days before Christmas Eve- **

Brian and Meggan Braddock stood waiting patiently for a flight from New York. Baby Betsy was with them too, snoozing peacefully in her pushchair unaware of the special occasion.

'Any idea what time they're arriving?' Meggan asked excitedly. This year would be Baby Betsy's first ever Christmas and the first Christmas since Betsy Senior had been brought back form the dead. That was why they were waiting in the airport arrivals lounge; Betsy Senior and Wade Wilson were coming over for Christmas. Their other workmates, Jubilee, Angelo, Typhoid, Pyro and Illyana all had other plans. Jubilee and Angelo were spending Christmas in Westchester with the X-Men, Pyro and Typhoid were in Australia with his parents while Illyana was over in Deerfield celebrating Hanukkah with Kitty Pryde and Piotr Rasputin.

Brian sighed in exasperation; he had lost count how many times his wife had asked that question.

'They just arrived a few minutes ago, we should be able to see them any minute now.'

Meggan pouted slightly, she loved Christmas and was eager to continue with the preparations. The turkey wasn't going to cook itself.

After almost forty-five more minutes of waiting, and almost as many ridiculously expensive cups of coffee, Wade and Betsy could finally be seen struggling trough the throng of festive holidaymakers.

'Hey Betsy, over her!' Meggan yelled at the top of her lungs. 'We're over here!'

Betsy Senior turned her head in the sound of the mad lady shouting at her and led Wade towards the pair.

'Merry Christmas, Meg.' Betsy grinned as she gave her sister-in-law a big hug. 'You too, Bri.'

'Merry Christmas, Betsy.' The Braddockses replied as they joined the hug. 'Merry Christmas, Wade.' Meggan added.

'Merry Christmas, y'all.' Wade replied a she joined in the group hug.

'Nice hat.' Meggan giggled, swatting at the bauble dangling from the end of Wade's Santa hat.

'I thought I might as well get in the spirit.' Wade replied with proud smile.

'You guys all prepared?' Betsy asked. 'It's your first Christmas as parents.'

'It was a little hectic.' Brian replied. 'It took ages to get Little Betsy to sleep.'

'Yeah, Big Betsy's a light sleeper too.' Wade snickered. 'Ain't that right, Cute Buns?'

'You just get going, you.' Betsy replied as she gently booted Wade up the backside. 'We've got dinner to prepare and a tree to decorate. That's if these two haven't already started without me.'

'We wouldn't dream of decorating the tree without you, Bets.' Brian replied. 'It' your turn to put the angel on the top anyway.'

Wade and Betsy followed the Braddockses to where their car was waiting. Upon packing all the cases and present inside, they drove back to Braddock Manor.

**Braddock Manor, Christmas Eve- **

Wade was sitting in the living room with Brian while the ladies did their thing in the kitchen.

'Not that I'm moaning but, doesn't this seem kinda sexist to you?' Wade asked.' Y'know, us guys sitting here on our butts while the women do all the work?'

'I tried to offer Meggan my help.' Brian replied. 'But she always insists on doing it herself, she says it's tradition.'

'You wacky sexist Brits.' Wade snickered. 'A nation after my own heart. Any idea what other traditions you guys have?'

'Well it's kind of traditional for the men to pop down the pub on Christmas Day while the women do the cooking.'

'Now there's a tradition that I like the sound of.' Wade grinned. 'Cept your don't Drink so…'

'I might not drink alcohol anymore, but I can till g own the pub.' Brian replied.

'Fair enough.' Wade nodded. 'Let's go get a skin full.'

Without further ado, Wade grabbed Brian by the hand and dragged him towards the door.

'Meggan, we're just going to pop down the pub, okay?' Brian called as Wade dragged him outside.

'Sue sweetie, make sure you're back in time, I don't want the turkey to get cold!' Meggan called back.

**Several hours later- **

Betsy and Meggan had finally finished preparing Christmas dinner when Wade and Brian decided to drag themselves out from the pub.

'I hope you didn't get too drunk.' Betsy said as she saw Brian drag Wade into the living room.

'He hardly had any.' Brian replied. 'We were on out way home after two swift ones and Wade tripped up on the curb and bashed his head.'

'Are you sure that he only had two?' Meggan asked. 'Anyway, the Christmas dinner's all prepared. All we need to do now is cook the turkey, we can leave that for tomorrow.'

'So what do we do now?' Wade asked. 'Play charades or something?'

'I was going to suggest watching the telly but charades is good.' Meggan replied.

'Aww, man.' Wade winced. 'I was only kidding!'

**Christmas Day- **

Betsy was fast asleep. Unfortunately, her peaceful slumber was soon interrupted as Wade shook her rapidly.

'C'mon Bets, wake up. It's Christmas! Wakeupwakeupwakeup!'

'I'm up, I'm up.' Betsy muttered as she swung her legs up over the end of the bed. 'Bloody Hell, you're worse than a kid at…'

'Christmas?' Wade asked, a cheeky smile spreading over his face.

Betsy just swore under her breath and pulled on a robe.

'Yay! We're gonna open our presents!' Wade said in a singsong voice as he danced around a drowsy Betsy.

Betsy just padded slowly over to the door and began the low descent down to the living room. Growing bored of his girlfriend's lack of enthusiasm; Wade rushed past her and hotfooted it down to the stairs.

Upon reaching the living room, Wade saw an equally enthusiastic Meggan fidgeting impatiently, eager to open her presents.

'Yay, it's Christmas!' they both squealed at once. 'Hurry duo you two, less dawdling, more present opening!'

Betsy and Brian just mumbled incoherently and slumped down onto the sofa while their other halves shredded through their gifts.

**A short while later- **

The living room of Braddock Manor was in chaos, there was shredded wrapping paper strewn all over the place. Meggan and Wade had both finished opening their gifts, now it was Brian and Betsy's turn. The two twins were opening their gifts at a more leisurely pace.

Wade and Meggan were more involved with using their gifts. Wade was sat in an inflatable Homer Simpson armchair duelling with Meggan on her new games system.

'Umm, where's Baby Betsy?' Betsy Senior asked.

'Over there.' Wade replied, waving his hand in the general direction of a pile of shredded paper.

Betsy rushed over and uncovered her niece form the pile. There wasn't any need to panic however as she had found a sheet of bubble-wrap and was popping it.

'Ooh, is that bubble-wrap?' Wade asked, his face lighting up in excitement. 'Can I have a go?'

Baby Betsy just frowned at the strange man and turned her back, keeping the bubble-wrap to herself.

Wade pouted in disappointment.

'You're mean…'He whined.

'Oh have this, you big baby.' Betsy Senior sighed. 'You can have the bubble-wrap out of one of my presents.'

Wade squealed in excitement and snatched it away.

'Sometimes I wonder who's more mature.' Brian chuckled. 'Wade or Baby Betsy.'

**Later that day- **

Wade, Brian and Baby Betsy were sat at the dinner table anxious to see their other halves' culinary efforts. They had already finished their starters of soup and prawn cocktail; they were just waiting for the roast turkey. Wade had heard that Meggan was a notoriously bad cook so he was nervous as to what dinner would be like. Fortunately, there was no need to be so wary as the food that Betsy and Meggan brought out was delectable. There were lashings of potatoes, both roast and mashed, numerous other types of cooked vegetables, little sausages wrapped in bacon, oodles of gravy and a huge bowl of leftover sage and onion stuffing. But what was most impressive was the turkey.

'Geez Meg.' Wade said, not really believing his eyes. 'What did you do? Slaughter an ostrich?'

'Nope.' The blonde metamorph replied. 'Just a boring old turkey. Brian, do you ant to carve?'

'Thanks, sweetie.' Brian replied as he took the rather pointy-looking knife from his wife. 'Wade, what would you like, breast or leg?'

'Personally, I'm a breast man, myself.' Wade snickered.

Betsy, Brian and Meggan just groaned out loud at Wade's spectacularly bad joke.

'So, what've we got planned for after dinner?' Wade asked. 'Brandy and Christmas pud?'

'Yup.' Meggan replied. 'And you men have washed up, it's onto the settee to watch the Queen's Speech.'

'Does anybody even watch that anymore?' Wade asked. 'Isn't hat kinda old-fashioned?'

'Meh, it gives us a while to digest the inner until the Greta Escape comes on.' Brian replied.

'Either that or it's a James Bond film.' Meggan added. 'I think it's Goldfinger this year.'

'Whoa, stop this crazy whirly-gig of fun, I'm dizzy!' Wade muttered.

'What would you prefer we did, Wade dear?' Betsy asked. 'Sit on the settee eating chocolate?'

'Isn't that what we do every year?' Meggan replied with a cheeky smile.

**END… **

**_Next: A Merry Mayhem Christmas_ **

_Mayhem of the Uncanny New Avengers takes his fellow teammate Tigra home to Toronto to celebrate Christmas. Lots of snowball fights and a little smooching under the mistletoe ensues._


	2. A Merry Mayhem Christmas

**An Uncanny Christmas**

**Chapter 2: A Merry Mayhem Christmas**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

_**Disclaimer- **I don't own anything. Mayhem, Father Michaels and everybody at the orphanage belong to Agent-G. _

**

* * *

Shout Outs- **

_**Mimato-4eva- **Yeah, I love Christmas fics too. Enjoy!_

_**Agent-G- **Brian doesn't drink because he used to be an alcoholic and once even hit Meggan in a drunken rage. My money's on Baby Betsy taking after her mother. _

**

* * *

Avengers Complex; Malibu, California- **

The home of the West Coast Avengers was bustling with festive activity as the team made their Christmas preparations. Hawkeye, Quicksilver, Crystal, Luna and Jim Rhodes were going back to the mansion in Manhattan to celebrate Christmas with the Eats Coast Avengers while Ant-Man took Cassie to his parents' house. Songbird didn't he anywhere to go either so Scott kindly asked her to come along too. Seeing that he was Jewish, Justice was going back to New York to celebrate Hanukkah with his mother. Firestar was tagging along with him. Namorita was going to Atlantis to try and get her cousin into the holiday spirit. She wasn't sure why she was even bothering; it wasn't as if Namor even cracked a smile nowadays. Copycat had invited Maddie to come and meet her mother for Christmas, as she kind of doubted that the redhead would visit her ex-husband for the holidays. That just left Mayhem and Tigra.

Vince was presently in his room taking care of some last minute packing. Once he was sure that he had packed enough warm clothes, he struggled to zip up his case. Even with his super-strength he couldn't' make the zip budge. He sighed in exasperation and sat down on his bed. At least the presents for Father Michaels and everybody at the orphanage were safe and snug in the Quinjet. Vince didn't really know how to fly the Quinjet yet so he just had Ant-Man programme in the coordinates for Toronto.

Vince was just about to give zipping up his case another go when Tigra popped her head around the door.

'Hey Vince, aren't you ready yet?' The weretiger asked. 'I thought you wanted to get home before the show started.'

'I'm trying to.' Vince replied. 'But this damn suitcase won't stay closed.'

'Pff, men.' Tigra snorted as she walked over and zipped up Vince's casein one swift motion. 'See, wasn't so hard now, was it?'

Vince just blinked a few times in confusion.

'H-how… Wha…Huh?' He stuttered.

'Aha, women can just do some things that guys can't.' Tigra replied with a cheeky grin. 'Y'know, like wrapping presents or multi-tasking.'

Vince just chuckled to himself and lugged his suitcase out of his room.

'Haven't you got anywhere to go?' He asked. 'Y'know, family or friends?'

'I guess I'll just join Clint and the others in New York.' Tigra replied with a shrug. 'Nothing too grand.'

'I've got a crazy idea.' Vince said as a small smile spread on his face. 'Why don't you come to Toronto with me?'

'There's really no need.' Tigra replied. 'I don't wanna be a burden.'

'I insist on it.' Vince said. 'You wouldn't underestimate my stance as a gentleman, would you?'

'I guess not.' Tigra shrugged. 'Just gimmie a sec and I'll go pack some warm clothes.'

**

* * *

The skies above Canada, later- **

Vince and Tigra were sitting back and enjoying the view below them. Fortunately, on this trip to Toronto, they didn't have to fight the Hulk.

The journey was quite a long one so they decided to talk about their histories. Tigra talked about her life as the feline vigilante known as he Cat until a near-fatal gunshot wound forced her to seek help form the mysterious Cat People who then infused her with a feline soul, which changed her into her current furry form.

'You really hit on Captain America?' Vince asked, trying to hold back his laughter. 'Man, What I'd give to see that.'

'Cap wasn't the only one.' Tigra replied. 'I hit on every guy on the team. Damn slutty cat soul. Anyway, what about you Vince, you got anybody back home?'

'Ma, talk about getting to the point.' Vince snickered. 'Well, there was this one girl, Mary. I guess you could call her my girlfriend but… she broke up with me when she found out I was a mutant.'

Tigra shook her head and placed her hand on top of Vince's.

'I hate bigoted people like that.' She said seriously. 'I bet all the hot mutant chicks were throwing themselves at you though.'

'I wish.' Vince snorted. 'They always went for the buff jock-type guys. Kinda like Guardian or that Cyclops guy.'

'I'm sure not every girl's like that.' Tigra said. 'Some like the mysterious guy. It's fun getting to know what makes him tick.'

'It sounds like you're speaking form experience.' Vince replied, a cheeky smile spreading on his face.

'Maybe I am…' Tigra replied coyly.

Before the questions could continue, the computer signalled that the autopilot was about to shut down as they were nearing their destination.

'I guess I'll better land this baby. Tigra said as she turned to the control panel. 'Just look and learn m'man.'

**

* * *

Toronto- **

After depositing the Quinjet in a safe spot, Vince led Tigra over to the old orphanage where he grew up. The weretiger didn't even know that her teammate was an orphan, seeing that he rarely talked about his past.

Their arrival had been pretty well timed as the winter snow had hardly started to fall.

'Man, it must be great to have a white Christmas.' Tigra said as she looked around at their surroundings. 'We hardly ever got them back in New York.'

'Well it kinda lost its magic after you get them day in and day out.' Vince replied. 'Then there's the whole thing with snowdrifts.'

'But super strength's a boon there, huh?' Tigra asked. 'I bet everybody gets you to do all their chores.'

'Well, there are some things I don't do.' Vince replied. 'I won't remove the gunk out of people's gutters. That's just disgusting.'

Tigra just shivered in disgust as Vince stopped outside a red-bricked building. A plaque on the wall showed the name St Peter's Orphanage. Vince stepped up to the door and knocked. After a short wait, a kindly, grey-haired man opened the door and his face lit up as he saw Vince standing there.

'We really can't keep you away, can we Vincent?' Father Michaels asked with a warm smile on his face.

'You know what I'm like, Father Michaels.' Vince replied as he gave Father Michaels a quick hug. 'You can take the Canuck out of Canada but you can't take Canada out of the Canuck.'

'I see that you've brought a friend.' Father Michaels said as he saw Tigra standing by nervously. 'And a famous one at that. Nice to meet you Miss… Tigra.'

'Please call me Greer, Father.' Tigra replied as she shook his hand.

'Very well.' Father Michaels nodded. 'The children are quite excited to find out that their Big Brother is and Avenger, especially after the incident with the Hulk. I'm sure that Master Kansuke was pleased to see you use such restraint.'

'Restraint?' Tigra snorted. 'He blasted the Hulk to France!'

'I was holding back.' Vince replied simply. 'I could have done much worst, trust me.'

Tigra decided to take his word for it as Vince and Father Michaels led her inside.

As soon as the trio stepped one foot into the orphanage, Vince was ambushed by several of the orphanage's younger children.

'Vince, you're back! What'sAmericalike? Haveyoufoughtanybodycool? Whathaveyoubroughtus? Huhhuhhuh?'

'Whoa there, kids.' Vince chuckled as he tried to keep his balance. 'Once question at a time, okay?'

'Yes, Vincent and Miss Greer must be tired form their journey.' Father Michaels added. 'Now, why don't you run along? I believe some of the others are making snowmen around the back.'

'Aww, but we wanted to see Vince.' The kids pouted.

'I'll come out and join you in a sec, okay?' Vince replied. 'I just wanna talk to Father Michaels for a bit, okay?'

The kids just muttered reluctantly and slunk outside to give them some peace.

'Man, nice kids you got there.' Tigra said. 'They didn't even ask me for an autograph.'

'What's the matter?' Vince replied with a chuckle. 'I never figured you for a diva.'

Tigra just stuck his tongue out at her teammate and followed Father Michaels further inside.

* * *

**Later- **

Vince and Tigra were now outside with the rest of the kids. They were having a snowball fight. Vince was trying to find his opponents. Unfortunately, all of the kids had decided to gang up on him along with Tigra.

'Man, I could really do with some heightened senses right about now.' Vincent thought out loud.

Unfortunately, Vince didn't see a pair of feline eyes peering out form under a nearby pile of snow.

'Attack!' Tigra yelled as she jumped out form her hiding place.

Before Vince could even raise even one hand in defence, he was hit with a barrage of snowballs.

'Hey, now fair!' He groaned. 'That was an ambush! Ow! Nuts!'

'Them's the rules of the game, bub.' Tigra replied as she caught the Canadian on the back of his head. 'You're just a bad loser.'

'At least I don't fight dirty.' Vince said with mock hurt as he brushed the snow off himself.

'What do you kids say we go inside and clean up, huh?' Tigra said. 'I've got cookies!'

A collective cheer rose form the kids as they charged back inside, leaving a show-battered Vince standing there on his own.

**

* * *

Later still- **

After a quick clean up, Vince decided to go visit his old sensei, Mr Kansuke.

'Ever the mysterious ninja guy, huh?' Tigra asked as she walked beside Vince.

'Samurai actually.' Vince replied.

'Man, you learn something new every day.' Tigra nodded. 'You even got your own sword?'

'Sure have.' Vince replied. 'Master Kansuke gave it to me after I completed my training.'

'And he knows that you're a mutant, right?' Tigra asked. 'As well as Father Michaels and the kids?'

'Yup, those guys are the only ones that know about my powers.' Vince replied. 'Which is kinda ironic seeing that I was a member of Alpha Flight and everything.'

Tigra just nodded in reply and followed Vince to Master Kansuke's dojo. She stepped to the side as Vince knocked on the door.

The door soon opened and an old Japanese man peered out.

'Merry Christmas, sensei.' Vince said with a bright smile on his face.

Master Kansuke's face lit up as he saw his former student standing before him.

'You do know that I don't celebrate Christmas, Vincent.' Master Kansuke replied only half-seriously. 'But it is wonderful to see you again.'

Vincent stepped aside to Tigra could say hello.

'Umm, hey Master Kansuke.' Tigra said with a slight bow. 'Vince has told me lots about you and I must say, it's nice to meet so many of his friends.'

'Vincent always has been a solitary young man.' Master Kansuke replied. 'Even when he joined Alpha Flight but it is nice to see that he has brought his girlfriend to meet me.'

Vince's face flushed bright red, as he looked to Tigra for hep. Tigra stumbled for a reply.

'W-we're not together.' She stuttered. 'W-we're just friends and he was kind enough to ask me to come and meet all of his friends.'

Master Kansuke just gave them a knowing smile

'Would you like to come in for some refreshment?' He asked. 'I would like to hear about our adventures with the Avengers.'

'How could I resist when you ask me like that?' Vince replied with a small smile as he followed Master Kansuke into his dojo. Tigra followed sit and shut the door behind them.

**

* * *

Back at the orphanage- **

After they had told Master Kansuke about their adventures with the Avengers, Vince and Tigra went back to the orphanage for dinner. They were presently watching the children set up the Christmas decorations.

'Ma, Father Michaels really knows how to do up a place for Christmas.' Tigra sad. 'I guess it comes with the job when you're a priest, huh?'

'Pretty much, yeah.' Vince replied. 'We even sit around the fire and sing carols.'

Tigra nodded and continued to watch the kids do their thing.

'Umm Vince, about what Master Kansuke said…' Tigra said, unsure how to voice her feelings.

Vince looked at the weretiger with an intrigued expression.

'About you being my girlfriend, right?' He asked.

'Kinda, yeah.' Tigra replied. 'To tell you the truth, I've kinda been thinking about it a lot. It seems like everybody's been paired up in the team. There's Pie and Crystal for a start. Vance and Angel…'

'Are you trying to ask me out?' Vince asked, rather amused at his companion's plight.

'Yeah…' Tigra replied, with an embarrassed smile on her face. 'You think I'm a slut, right?'

'No, of course not.' Vince replied honestly. 'I think you're an intelligent beautiful young woman.'

'Aww, thanks.' Tigra said, her embarrassment lifting somewhat. 'You're cute too.'

Unseen by the two, the kids had finished putting up the decorations and were staring intently at them. One of the kids was even holding a sprig of mistletoe above their heads.

'Aww, isn't that adorable?' The girls all cooed. 'C'mon, are you guys gonna kiss or what?'

Vince and Tigra both looked up at the sprig of mistletoe being held aloft.

'Be a shame to disappoint them.' Tigra said, her voice heavy with hope.

'Who am I to deny a lady her wishes?' Vince replied as he moved in closer. Tigra followed suit and puckered up. Vince leant in and placed a chaste kiss on the weretiger's lips. Tigra opened her eyes again.

'Man, if you call that a kiss, I can see that I'll have to show you how to do things properly, huh?' She teased.

'Okay, now I'm scared.' Vince replied light-heartedly.

**END… **

* * *

_**Next: Merry Hanukkamas **_

_Illyana and Piotr Rasputin join Kitty Pryde for Hanukkah in Deerfield._


	3. An XMen Family Hanukkah

**An Uncanny Christmas**

**Chapter 3: An X-Men Family Hanukkah**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

_**Disclaimer- **I don't own anything, al familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

_**Agent-G- **Glad you liked the way I set up Vince and Tigra. There will be much more form them in '_The Uncanny New Avengers.' _The Illyana in this chapter is the Exiles version, that one that appeared in _'The Uncanny Wade and Betsy.' _Don't forget that Piotr lost his version of Illyana too, there will be much more bonding between those two in my other fics._

* * *

**Deerfield, Illinois-**

The town of Deerfield, a suburb of Chicago, Illinois, was blanketed in snow, creating the image of a typical winter wonderland. A car gradually makes its way up the road, being careful not to slip on the ice. The car then stopped outside a house and four figures stepped out. They are Katherine 'Kitty' Pryde, Piotr and Illyana Rasputin and Lockheed the dragon. Kitty was kind enough to invite her friends over to her hometown to celebrate the holidays. Being Jewish, Kitty didn't celebrate Christmas she celebrated Hanukkah instead. Piotr, being the good little Russian boy, was raised while Communism was still a valid way of life and as such didn't really worship any sort of higher being. Illyana on the other hand…

'Do demon sorceresses even celebrate Christmas?' Kitty asked as she struggled to unload her suitcase form the boot of the car. 'I know that our Illyana used to but I'm not so sure about you.'

'I don't celebrate Christmas as the birthday of some guy that may or may not have been real.' Illyana replied. 'I just celebrate the fact that I get loads of free stuff.'

'Funnily enough, that's how our Illyana used to rationalise it too.' Kitty chuckled, still struggling with her case. She turned and fixed Piotr with a glare. 'Hey, how about a little help over here?'

Piotr snapped out of his daydream and helped Kitty with her case.

'I-I'm sorry Katya, I was miles away.' Piotr apologised.

'Kinda nervous about visiting the in-laws, huh?' Illyana snickered.

'Da, I am not sure whether I will be welcome.' Piotr replied. 'Considering how our last relationship ended.'

'As long as we don't bump into any sexy alien chicks between the car and the front door then I guess we'll be fine.' Kitty teased.

Lockheed added his opinion as he growled menacingly. Piotr knew that he had better make sure that he made this relationship last or the dragon wouldn't be best pleased.

'No really, my Mom'll love you.' Kitty said as she patted Piotr's shoulder in comfort. 'Trust me.'

'For you Katya, I will fight to escape the clutches of Death herself.' Piotr replied.

'Which you did.' Kitty added. 'And good going with that.'

Piotr and Illyana followed close behind as Kitty led them to her mother's house.

Although her parents had been divorced for a while, they still managed to share Christmas with their daughter but after Kitty's father was killed in the attack on Genosha, Kitty only had her mother left.

Piotr and Illyana waited patiently by as Kitty knocked on the door and waited for the answer.

'I don't see why she can't just phase through the door anyway.' Illyana muttered as she tapped her foot impatiently.

Fortunately, the door was soon answered and Kitty grabbed her mother in a huge hug.

'Hey Mom, Happy Hanukkah!'

Theresa Pryde smiled happily at the sight of her daughter home for the holidays. She chose to ignore the dragon on her daughter's shoulders, as life with the X-Men was rather unusual at the best of times.

'Who are you and what have you done with my real daughter?' Mrs Pryde teased. 'She never comes to visit!'

Kitty just rolled her eyes at her mother's teasing and stepped back to introduce her friends.

'Mom, I hope you don't mind but I invited some friends along. These are Piotr and Illyana Rasputin.'

Mrs Pryde cast a bemused eye over her daughter's two companions. As well as frequent trips to outer space, Kitty had told her that fellow teammates coming back from the dead were a common occurrence.

'Nice to finally meet you both.' Mrs Pryde said as she shook Piotr's hand. 'Please, come on in.'

'Spaceeba, Mrs Pryde.' Piotr nodded. 'It is most kind of you to allow us into your home for the duration of the holiday.'

'That's quite alright.' Mrs Pryde replied. 'And please, call me Terri.'

Once Piotr and Illyana had followed the Prydes into the house, they took off their coats and miscellaneous items of warm clothing.

'Kitty, your… dragon is house trained, isn't he?' Mrs Pryde asked, not sure whether she should put some paper down.

'Oh yeah, Lockheed's very well trained.' Kitty replied. 'He wouldn't dream of pooping in the house… Unless you're a British ex-spy.'

Mrs Pryde looked back at her daughter, unsure what she was talking about. Illyana and Piotr however, knew just who Kitty was referring to. Lockheed's rivalry with Pete Wisdom back in the days of Excalibur was notorious, even to those from alternate realities.

'I'm just about to put dinner on. Kitty, do you want to show your friends to the spare room or will Peter be sharing with you?'

Illyana just snickered as Piotr and Kitty both blushed at the same time. Even though their relationship was pretty much on again, the pair had hardly even got past the heavy kissing stage.

'I think I'll share with Kitty, Mrs Pryde.' The blonde sorceress replied, wanting to prevent any more embarrassment, no matter how funny it was.

* * *

**After dinner-**

While Kitty and Illyana were cleaning up the plates and cutlery, Piotr was sitting in the living room with Mrs Pryde. Lockheed was also there, curled up in front of the fire.

Piotr twiddled his thumbs nervously as it was obvious that Mrs Pryde intended to talk to him about his previous relationship and we all know how bad that ended.

'I hope you don't mind me asking but, what would you prefer to be called, Piotr or Peter?' Mrs Pryde asked.

'I do not have any preference.' Piotr replied. 'However, most people prefer to call me by the English approximation of my name.'

Mrs Pryde just nodded and began with the inquisition.

'Now Peter, I am fully aware of how your last relationship with my daughter ended and I would prefer it if that didn't happened again.'

'I can assure you that I have every intention of making this relationship last, Mrs Pryde.' Piotr replied. 'I would never do anything to harm Katya.'

'That may be so but I have also heard of the incident between you and that Wisdom fellow.' Mrs Pryde said.

Lockheed snickered form his place beside the fire, as if he could understand every word that the humans were saying.

'I don't want my daughter being involved with a man with such violent impulses.' Mrs Pryde continued.

Before Piotr could answer. Kitty walked in. It was obvious form her peeved expression that she had been listening in on the conversation.

'Mom please, Piotr's over that now, he and Pete have made their peace now. And if we're going to talk about guys with violent impulses, we might as well talk about Logan. Yeah, he does have a short fuse but underneath all that, he's got a real gentle heart.'

'I was only trying to look out for you, sweetie.' Mrs Pryde replied, her face softening somewhat.

'I know that Mom, and I wanna thank you for that.' Kitty replied. 'But really, I can handle myself. If Peter even lays one finger wrong, you can bet that he'll regret it.'

* * *

**Later that night-**

Piotr was almost asleep when he heard somebody walk into the spare room. He sat up and squinted at the light, he could see a figure silhouetted against the moonlight.

'Katya, is that you?' He asked sleepily.

The figure just stayed silent and crept closer to the bed.

Piotr leant over and switched on the bedside lamp. The mysterious visitor was Kitty after all. But not just any Kitty Pryde, this Kitty was wrapped up in green and red wrapping paper. Well I say wrapped, it was more like she had wrapping paper strategically placed all over her body.

'Hey sexy, you wanna unwrap me?' Kitty purred.

Piotr managed to find his voice amidst his blush.

'Uhh Katya… It isn't Christmas… Hanukkah for several days yet.'

'Just think of it as an early present.' Kitty replied as she leant backwards onto the bed, displaying her petite frame. 'We might as well start the holidays off with a… bang, right?'

Piotr cleared his throat nervously. It was almost like the time the X-Men were in space after fighting the Brood. After finding that she had been implanted with a Brood egg, Kitty wanted to give herself to him then but he gently turned her down as the time wasn't right.

'K-Katya… I'm not sure about this…'

A huge smile spread across Kitty's face.

'Don't worry Petey Pureheart, I'll be gentle…' Kitty purred as she slowly began to unwrap herself…

**TBC…**

* * *

**_Next: Oh My Stars And Festively Themed Garters_**

_Hank takes Emma, the Cuckoos and Catseye to meet the McCoys. More gratuitous kinkiness ensues. Would you expect anything less from the former White Queen?_


	4. Oh My Stars And Festively Themed Garters

**An Uncanny Christmas**

**Chapter 4: Oh My Stars And Festively Themed Garters**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

_**Disclaimer- **I don't own anything, all familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**_Shout Outs-_**

_**Agent-G- **Don't worry, there will be more Illyana in future chapters of The Uncanny New Mutants. I'll go into more detail about what happened during Kitty and Piotr's night together in that too._

* * *

**Xavier's-**

The Xavier Institute was bustling with activity as both students and teachers prepared for their holiday plans. Those that had family away from the institute were going there for Christmas. Bobby Drake was going to visit his parents. Sam, Paige and Jay were spending Christmas as the Guthrie farm. Much to Sam's reluctance, Paige had invited Warren along too. Dani was taking Jono to meet her parents back in Colorado. Kurt and August were spending Christmas with August's mother, Selene, and the Fantastic Four. Lorna was visiting the Avengers so she could spend the holidays with her newfound brother and sister, Wanda and Pietro.

Some of the faculty were even having a romantic time away for the holidays. Sage and Bishop were over in California while Rogue and Remy were spending the holidays in New Orleans. Amara and Pete were over in London while Rahne and Warlock were having Christmas in Paris.

Some of the teachers didn't have family to go to. Scott was spending Christmas in the Institute along with Alex, Annie, Carter, Rachel and TJ. Logan was planning on spending Christmas in Canada with Ororo but the fact that Lucy and Jubilee were adamant in him staying; he decided to stay at the Institute.

That only left Hank and Emma. Hank was presently struggling to put Emma's matching white leather luggage into the van.

'Emma, is it absolutely necessary to take all of this?' Hank panted as he leant against the side of the van.

Emma just looked at the fuzzy blue doctor as if he had sprouted another head.

'I've only packed a small part of my wardrobe, Henry.' She replied as she carried her tiny makeup bag down the steps. 'I want to look my best for your parents.'

'You always look the best my dear.' Hank grunted as he crammed Emma's cases into the back of the van, causing the blonde to wince. 'Now please can we go? I told Dad that we would be there by six o' clock.'

'We can't go yet, Henry.' Emma replied. 'The girls aren't ready yet.'

Hank muttered under his breath and tried to close the back doors of the van, but to no avail.

'_Girls, are you ready yet?' _Emma asked via her telepathy. _'Mr McCoy is rather anxious to leave.'_

'_We're just waiting for Sharon Miss Frost.' _The Cuckoos all chimed in at once. _'She can't decide which shoes to take.'_

'_Just tell her to take the whole lot.' _Emma replied. _'There's plenty of room in the van.'_

With that, Emma shut off her telepathic shout out and turned back to Hank.

'Perhaps you should make sure the van starts before they come down.' Emma suggested.

Hank just sighed and climbed into the driver's seat, getting more impatient by the moment.

* * *

**Later-**

Catseye had finally packed some suitable shoes and joined Emma and Hank in the van along with the three Cuckoos. They were presently on their way to meet Hank's parents on the McCoy family farm.

'Perhaps we should put on some music.' Hank suggested.

A chorus of cheers rose form the four young girls in the back.

'_You had better not be thinking of playing what I think you're going to play.' _Emma warned Hank telepathically.

'_Am I really that transparent?' _Hank replied as he popped a CD into the player.

Emma groaned out loud as the opening bars of _'Little Drummer Boy'_ began to play.

'_That is it McCoy, no Christmas treat for you.' _Emma 'said' as she glared at Hank.

* * *

**An hour or two later-**

After seemingly endless streams of cheesy Christmas songs, the X-Van finally pulled up outside the McCoy family farm and Emma scrambled out rather than cope with another moment of the accursed CD.

'What's the matter Ms Frost, don't you like Mr McCoy's music?' Sharon teased.

Emma just shot a glare at the young catgirl and went to get her luggage.

'Some people just have no taste, isn't that correct girls?' Hank asked.

'You're absolutely correct Mr McCoy.' All four girls replied.

'_Traitors.' _Emma telepathically muttered.

While Emma popped open the back doors of the van, Hank went to knock on the door. Sharon and the Cuckoos followed him close behind, wanting to avoid doing any heavy lifting.

After a short while, Edna McCoy, Hank's mother, opened the door and peered out.

'Surprise!' Hank grinned as he plopped a present into his mother's hands. 'Merry Christmas mom!'

Edna blinked in confusion at her son's new look. Sure, she had seen his latest feline mutation on the news but it was completely different witnessing it in real life.

'Is anything wrong?' Hank asked concernedly.

'Oh no, everything's fine.' Edna replied. 'It's just this new look of yours, it's rather… handsome up close.'

Hank just smiled modestly at the compliment.

'Aww mom, you always did know how to make me blush.' Hank snickered.

Edna looked down at the four girls and smiled broadly.

'Ands who are these delightful young ladies? I hope you haven't been up to your old tricks Henry.'

'Perish the thought.' Hank replied. 'These are students of mine, Sharon Smith, Fiona, Eve and Phoebe, or Phoebe, Fiona and Eve, I forget.'

'Hello Mrs McCoy, it's wonderful to meet you.' All three Cuckoos chimed in.

Edna looked at Hank with a worried expression.

'They're always like that.' Hank replied, referring to the fact that the three triplets often talk at the same time. 'It's part of the mutation.'

'I see…' Edna nodded. 'And Sharon that's a lovely… tail you have there.'

'Thanks Mrs McCoy.' Sharon replied as she fiddled with her tail. 'I'm proud of it.'

'Now, where is this new lady friend of yours?' Edna asked. 'I hope you haven't made her up.'

'Emma's just bringing the luggage.' Hank replied.

'Henry Phillip McCoy, how dare you!' Edna gasped. 'Making the poor woman lug the luggage about all on her own. You go down there and help her this instant!'

'Yes mother…' Hank said, his head bowed just like an admonished child. Sharon and the Cuckoos struggled to contain their laughter at the sight.

* * *

**A short while later-**

After Hank had helped Emma bring the luggage inside the house and unpacked, they joined Edna in the living room. They were chatting over some cocoa.

'Well it's certainly wonderful to see you Emma.' Edna said. 'I can call you Emma, can't I?'

'Of course Mrs McCoy.' Emma nodded. 'Only if I can call you Edna though.'

Edna just chuckled to herself.

'Of course you can dear. I hope you don't mind me asking but, how long have you and Hank been together?'

'Oh, several months now.' Emma replied. 'Not all that long after the mansion was rebuilt after that… unfortunate business in Manhattan.'

'Oh yes, it must have been terrible for poor Scott.' Edna said. 'Losing his wife like that. How is he nowadays?'

'Scott's hanging in there.' Hank replied. 'He's a mere shadow of himself though. He's still hoping that Jean will come back some time.'

'Do you think that she will really come back?' Edna replied sceptically.

'It happens more often than you think.' Emma added. 'As a matter of fact Sharon only recently returned to us after having passed away.'

'I'm sorry Norton couldn't be here.' Edna said. 'He's down at the store getting the supplies for Christmas dinner, he shouldn't be too long.'

'That's quite alright Edna.' Emma replied. 'You have quite a home here, very cosy.'

'I admit that it's not really something that you may be used to, given your wealthy upbringing.' Edna said.

'There's no need to be like that.' Emma replied. 'I love the décor, it's really quite beautiful.'

Edna smiled at the compliment, Hank's new girlfriend seemed all right, not at all like that horrid Trish person that he used to date.

* * *

**Upstairs-**

While the adults were talking downstairs, Sharon and the Cuckoos were unpacking their stuff in Hank's old room. Seeing that his old room would be too small for Hank's newer, larger… state it was decided that the girls should get his old room. Several spare beds had been moved into the room so the girls wouldn't have to share a bed.

Sharon had just about finished unpacking her stuff when she noticed a framed picture sitting on the bedside table.

'Hey look at this.' Sharon said. 'I think it's Mr McCoy before he went all fuzzy.'

The Cuckoos crowded around the catgirl to get a closer look at the picture.

'Wow, Mr McCoy was a hottie back then.' Fiona said.

'Look at all those cheerleaders flocking around him.' Eve added. 'He must've been super popular.'

'Well duh.' Phoebe replied. 'He's an all-stair football player by the looks of all that padding.'

'Hey quite drooling over the picture!' Sharon said as he snatched the picture away. 'He's our teacher, not some beefcake to be lusted over.'

'Unlike Mr LeBeau.' Eve added.

'Mmm, Remy…' Fiona drooled. 'Who needs an all-star football player when you've got a red-hot stud like him?'

'You girls are really shameless, you know that?' Sharon said as she shook her head and placed the picture back on the table.

'So you're saying that you don't have a crush on any of the teachers?' Phoebe asked with a sceptical smile.

'Maybe…' Sharon replied coyly. 'Perhaps a teensy little one…'

'Okay, spill it fuzzy.' Eve said as she fixed the catgirl with a curious stare. 'Who do you have a crush on?'

Sharon glared at the three identical blondes, not really wanting to tell them. But she knew that it would be pretty much futile as the Cuckoos would only pry into her mind and find out for themselves.

'Mr Logan.' She muttered. 'I have lusty wrong feelings about Mr Logan, you happy?'

The Cuckoos just burst out laughing at the revelation

'Oh God, just wait til Lucy hears about this.' Fiona snickered.

Sharon just glared at the three girls and threw a pillow at them. That didn't do anything to abate their laughs however, as they continued to laugh regardless.

* * *

**Later-**

Hank was lying in be din the guest room while Emma got ready for bed.

'I really don't see why you were so nervous about meeting my parents Emma, they loved you.'

'That may be so but I still think they were putting on a brave face for your benefit.' Emma replied form the bathroom.

'Now that's just rubbish.' Hank said. 'Trust me when I say that they absolutely adore you. You made a better first impression than Trish did. What's taking you so long anyway? The bed's getting cold.

'I'm just getting you an early Christmas present dear.' Emma replied. 'Okay then, I'm ready.'

Hank turned on his side so he could see Emma when she walked out of the bathroom. Once she did however, his jaw fell open as he saw her attire.

'Oh my stars and garters…'

Emma was dressed in a scandalously low cut sexy Santa suit with a skirt that hardly passed her butt cheeks. The only thing keeping her modesty was a tiny red thong.

'You like?' Emma asked as she gave Hank a twirl, struggling to keep herself form falling out of her sexy Santa suit. 'I bought it especially for you.'

'And here I am without a stitch of clothing on.' Hank replied somewhat guiltily.

'That's just the way I like it Henry.' Emma purred as she crept closer.

**TBC…**

* * *

_**Next: An Immortal at Christmas** _

_Its' the Fantastic Four's turn next as Selene goes Christmas shopping with the Human Torch, goes to church with the Invisible Woman and spend Christmas with her estranged daughter._


	5. An Immortal at Christmas

**An Uncanny Christmas**

**Chapter 5: An Immortal at Christmas**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

_**Disclaimer- **The Fantastic Four, Nightcrawler and all familiar characters belong to Marvel. I only own August._

* * *

**_Shout Outs-_**

_**TheLegendaryManHimself- **It would be handy to read my URM stuff. Glad you liked my other stuff. This is the last Christmas chapter though._

_**Needles- **Oh bugger, I thought Dani's parents came back after the Demon Bear thing. I didn't know about Melody joining Xavier's._

_**Agent-G- **Sorry, these are just festive one shots. Watch out for more form Illyana in future chapters of The Uncanny New Mutants._

* * *

**Manhattan-**

'Twas the season to be jolly in Manhattan and Johnny Storm was doing a spot of Christmas shopping. His girlfriend Kourtney was there with him, as was Selene, Ben Grimm's girlfriend.

'It's nice of you to let me come shopping with you Johnny.' Selene said. 'I would have asked Ben but I wanted to keep his present a surprise.'

'And here you are shopping with a guy that can't keep one single secret.' Kourtney replied. 'You know that it'll be all over the Baxter Building as soon as we get back.'

'Good job I threatened Johnny before we came out.' Selene said. 'Being threatened with serious bodily harm can do wonders for getting people motivated.'

'And how.' Kourtney replied. 'If I want Johnny to change the channel on the TV, I just threaten to beta him over the head with a frying pan. What do you do?'

'Threaten to sacrifice his immortal soul to Mephisto and all his little goblins.' Selene deadpanned.

'Please say that you're kidding.' Kourtney said, not whether the former immortal was serious or not.

'Of course I was.' Selene replied. 'I threatened to sacrifice Johnny's soul to Belasco.'

* * *

**Bloomingdale's-**

Kourtney was helping Selene pick out a present for Sue. Johnny was just wandering around, ogling the lingerie mannequins.

'I absolutely have no idea what to buy Sue.' Selene said. 'What goes with invisible?'

'What about some shoes?' Kourtney suggested. 'You can never have too many shoes.'

'But what size does Sue wear?' Selene asked.

'I'll go ask him…' Kourtney replied as she tried to look for her boyfriend. 'Honestly, that man is like a child sometimes. I'm starting to think that I should hold him on a leash or something.'

Selene just chuckled as she spotted a nice set of lingerie.

'Do you think Sue will like these?' Selene asked as she held up a lacy pink thong and bra set.

'Reed might.' Kourtney replied. 'If he ever sticks his head out of the lab.'

Selene just nodded and placed the lingerie in her basket, might as well kill tow birds with one stone.

'Now for Ben…' She thought out loud.

'Kourtney, Selene! Look what I've found!' Johnny said as he ran up with a small black device. 'Look what happens when I press this button!'

Johnny pressed a button on the device, making it emit a fart.

'You found a fart box.' Kourtney said, hardly believing just how immature her boyfriend was. 'How old are you, twelve?'

'I don't know, I think it's rather amusing.' Selene replied as she took the fart box form Johnny and pressed it a few times.

_Frrp! Parp! Prrp! Parp!_

Selene could hardly contain her amusement at the whimsical device.

'Okay, I think I've found Ben's present.' Selene said as she placed the fart box in her basket.

'Even though you want it for yourself.' Kourtney said.

'Well yes…' Selene replied. 'Just like that time Johnny brought you that Tigra calendar for your birthday.'

'I'll never forget how much time he spent ogling that damn thing.' Kourtney sighed.

* * *

**Later-**

Selene had finished her Christmas shopping and was now out with Sue and Baby Val.

'You don't have to come with me if you don't want.' Sue said as she pushed Val in her pushchair. 'I know you have a… history with this kind of thing.'

'That's all right.' Selene replied. 'The worst that could happen is that I start to burn form the touch.'

Sue stopped outside their destination and Selene looked up at the building, they were standing in front of a church. The Richards weren't really a religious family, what with Reed being the science type and all but Sue felt that it was to visit her local church every Christmas to pray and 'talk' with her parents. Selene however was somewhat nervous, for obvious reasons. She wasn't sure if a former Devil worshipper like herself would be welcome in such a place, but she bucked up and cautiously followed Sue in. Fortunately, she didn't begin to burn upon reaching holy ground.

Selene followed Sue to a vacant seat and knelt down before the altar. She tried not to snoop on Sue's prayers as she tried to think of her own.

'Umm, hello God. I'm Selene and I want to thank you for helping me find such a wonderful man in Ben Grimm. I know I haven't been worthy of such luck, given my past… activities, but I want to thank you non-the-less. Actually, I'm pretty thankful that I got kicked out of the Hellfire Club because if I hadn't, I wouldn't have met Ben would I? And where would I be then? I think it would be better not to answer that, don't you?'

Selene was so involved in talking to God that she didn't see Sue stand up. Sue tried not to snoop but she couldn't help but listen to Selene's words, who would have thought that a former devil-worshipping-dominatrix-from-Hell would even set one foot in a church? Selene was one more step further on her road to redemption, Sue was sure of that.

* * *

**Back at the Baxter Building-**

Selene, Sue and Baby Val were back form their trip to the church and were sitting back and enjoying the festive atmosphere. Ben was still visiting his old stomping grounds in Yancy Street. Selene would have gone with him but Sue told her that Ben liked to do this alone.

'Anybody want a drink?' Selene offered as she got up off the sofa.

'I'm fine thanks.' Sue replied.

'Just water for me.' Kourtney replied.

'A beer wouldn't go amiss.' Johnny added.

'Mom, can I have a beer?' Teenage Val asked.

'Only once you're twenty-one.' Reed replied.

'Aww nuts…' Val pouted.

Selene went into the kitchen and grabbed everybody's respective drinks. On the way back, the door chimed.

'I'll get it.' Selene said as she gave Johnny and Kourtney their drinks.

Upon answering the door, Selene got the shock of her life.

'Merry Christmas Mom!'

August, her estranged daughter, was standing on the other side along with Kurt Wagner of the X-Men.

'A-August…?' Selene stuttered. 'H-how, why?'

'It's Christmas.' August replied. 'Tis the season to forgive and all.'

Selene just stood their dumfounded, unable to process the fact that her daughter could forgive her for doing all the things in her past.

'Come on, invite them in.' Sue said as she came to see who was at the door. 'Kurt, August, wonderful to see you.'

'Merry Christmas Sue.' Kurt replied. 'We have gifts.'

'Oh you needn't have,' Sue replied as she took the gifts. 'But thanks anyway.'

August and Kurt followed Sue and a still dumbstruck Selene into the living room.

'Reed, everybody, we have guests.' Sue said. 'August and Kurt are here.'

Everybody stood up and give their respective greetings. Once that was over, August pulled Selene into the hallway.

'Mom, even though I've got you a gift, I wanted to give you something extra.'

Selene's jaw dropped once more as August gave her a warm hug.

'Merry Christmas.' August said as she laid her head on her mother's shoulder.

Selene slowly put her arms around her daughter, unsure how to respond.

'Merry Christmas August.'

August looked up at her mother's face and noticed something.

'Mom, are you crying?'

'Yeah…' Selene admitted as she brushed at her eyes. 'It looks like my prayers have been answered, I've got a family.'

'You already had that with Ben and the others.' August said.

'Yes, I know.' Selene replied as she held her daughter close. 'And it does me good to know that fact.'

**END…**

* * *

_Okay, that's it for 'An Uncanny Christmas.' I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. With all that done, all that's left for me to do is wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year/Hanukkah/Insert religious holiday here._


End file.
